Yesterday I received Sonia Sommer’s weekly email newsletter; in it, she called this week between Christmas and New Year’s the “bridge between years.” What a lovely idea. It does feel like that—neither here nor there, a sort of limbo between past and future. It’s a time for rest and reflection—which is good, because that’s all I feel like doing! I don’t know how your year was, but mine felt astonishingly busy. And while much of the work was enjoyable and fulfilling, it still has left me a little worn out and in need of a break. And after baking, cooking, and cleaning my way through Christmas, I am really ready for some good, old-fashioned lying around! I spent Tuesday curled up with hot tea and a novel. Ahhh!

I’d like more of that all throughout 2018. I’ve been so productive over the past few years; I’d like to lie fallow for a while. I have a huge stack of amazing books I’ve been gathering, and I want to read them—and truly take the time to absorb their messages. I want to read, and think, and write just for myself. I want time to be fully present with my husband and son. Instead of rushing through my days, I want to move intentionally, with calm purpose. I want a more creative year in terms of having fun, making art, and creating just for creating’s sake. I want to play more and be more free. I want to travel and explore, learning and growing through new experiences.

2018 feels momentous to me—like it will be a really fun year of change from the ordinary routine. Yes, please! I’ve been such a good, hardworking, business-before-pleasure kind of girl. I’m ready to let loose a little! Or perhaps a lot—who knows?

I feel like this book I’ve been reading, The Lotus and the Lily, and the process it is guiding me through will help facilitate that (see previous post, “Forgiveness Is the Cash”). In a few days I will make an Intention Mandala, setting down my dreams for the new year. This book has led me on a fascinating mental journey over the past several weeks. I actually can’t wait to finish it so I can re-read everything and cement all the concepts in my head.

I’m ready to leave behind all my old baggage and step lightly and joyfully into 2018. How about you? What sort of dreams are you dreaming? I hope that you get everything you wish for and more! Happy New Year!

Forgiveness Is The Cash

Forgiveness
Is the cash you need.

All the other kinds of silver
really buy just strange things.

Learn from those addicted lovers
of gold and opium -

they cannot jump high or
laugh long.

Forgiveness is part of the treasure you need
to craft your falcon wings.

Everything has its music.
Everything has genes of God inside.

--Hafiz

I’ve been reading The Lotus and the Lily: A 30-Day Soul Program by Janet Conner, which draws from the wisdom of Jesus, Buddha, and the mystics to help you “unveil and create the life you really want.” The book is divided into weeks with different themes: first you look at your past and work on letting go what might be holding you back; then you look toward the future.

On the first day of week three, which focuses on forgiveness, the author quotes the poem above by Hafiz. It really struck me. I want falcon wings! I want to be able to soar high above, unencumbered by anger, resentment, and regret. I’ll be honest—week three, which I’m currently in, is kicking my ass. I never thought of myself as one who holds a grudge, but I’ve come to see that I’ve retained a lot of anger over things that happened in my past, and I’m finding some of it very hard to let go.

Conner talks about having a “dungeon” deep inside us, where we’ve imprisoned all of the people we’re angry with. One of the exercises is to visualize this dungeon, to descend the cold, dark stairs, see who you have jailed, open the cell doors, and let them out. Then fill the space with white light so that it is no longer a dungeon. I was amazed to find who I had trapped down there! People I hadn’t thought of in years! Some were very easy to release. Others, not so much. And then finally, I came to the last, worst cell—and in it was me. Of course! Because at the heart of all I can’t forgive is my own actions, or inactions. All of my judging, criticism, regret, and resentment starts at home, in my head, directed against myself.

If you’re anything like me, you criticize yourself constantly, without even realizing it. We’ve internalized the voices of external figures in our childhood, and now they berate us all the time. I’ve talked about this before, and the need to show yourself compassion and love. Now I really get it. If I can’t stop criticizing myself, I can’t stop criticizing others. If I can’t love myself, I can’t fully love others. If I can’t forgive myself, I can’t forgive others. Conner talks about this in depth, and has some wonderful ideas for achieving self-forgiveness.

It is my goal to get through this week in the book and finally be able to completely forgive myself, and then to be able to forgive everyone else I need to. Because I can feel it holding me back—all this anger, and frustration, and resentment is like a giant black vampire inside me, sucking up my energy. I’m tired of lugging all of that around. I’m ready to release it, to forgive, and to earn my falcon wings so I can soar into 2018.

How about you? Do you have prisoners stashed away inside you? Have you imprisoned yourself? Perhaps it’s time to open those doors and free everyone. I wish for you unconditional self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-compassion. I wish for you the most glorious, healthy, happy, abundant holiday season and New Year you could possibly have. Here’s to the freedom of forgiveness!