Today I am very, very grumpy. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, groggy, and had to rush right into the day rather than starting mindfully as I like to do. Everything on my list feels like an imposition and I am resentful of my responsibilities. It doesn't help that the weather is gray and gloomy. The sun keeps peeking out and then going away, which really pisses me off. No real reason for these emotions, but I’m consumed by hot anger and burning irritation. It feels like what Holly Golightly was describing in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” when she said she got the “mean reds” instead of the blues.
This afternoon I had a break and tried to do something positive, like listen to a meditation or think for a bit and then write. First I was bombarded by texts; then the mailman rang the doorbell, which woke the sleeping beagle and made him bark insanely until I opened the door and got the mail. Aaarrghhhh, as Charlie Brown would say. I believe in a loving universe, but I swear sometimes I feel like it’s conspiring to fuck with me. Abraham, the guides that speak through Esther Hicks, would say I’m attracting aggravations because I am on that vibration. Law of Attraction: like attracts like. If I want positive occurrences, I need to reach for the more positive thought. I know this, but it’s tough to get back onto a higher plane when I am feeling SO. DAMN. GRUMPY! Sigh. I am dictating this to my phone as I walk the dog and having to whisper when I curse so the neighbors don’t hear me, which aggravates me further.
Today, only one day after I posted “Quick Hits of Happiness,” everything on that list just seems like a pain in the ass. None of those actions seems likely to improve my mood. Now I feel all fraudulent.
But as I was angrily walking the damn dog, thinking about those ideas, I realized I was feeling a little better because I was getting exercise. It made me think about the cleaning tip. That’s one I’ve used before when feeling like this. I actually clean better when I’m angry; it gives me extra energy. I was already sweaty, so as I approached our house and saw those damn dead hibiscus bushes out front that my husband was supposed to cut down—two months ago—I yearned to get in there and hack those babies to the ground. So I did. And whaddya know, I feel better! Not happy, no, but grimly satisfied. So there’s that.
I am calmer now, and able to think a little more rationally. I am grateful that I was able to sweat out some of that anger. I hope the next time you feel like I did—well actually, I hope you never feel that way, but if you do—I hope you can remember to try physical activity. Clean angrily, weed angrily, walk or run or swim angrily, and it should help those mean reds flow out of you on your little sweat balls. And for more help: Gilda Radner as Roseanne Roseannadanna on little sweat balls.
