Take a Vacation from Adulting

July 26, 2018 Ashley Brown

**I've been craving more playtime lately, and was going to write about it--then realized I already had! So here is a repost from June 2017.**

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the blue sky, is by no means waste of time.”

— Sir John Lubbock, “The Use of Life”

I think it’s a travesty that we don’t get summers off as adults. Who needs the break more than us, I ask you? I get grumpy in the summer when all I want to do is go to the beach but my endless list prevents it.

Remember what summer was like as a child? All those marvelous days stretching ahead of you with absolutely no responsibilities, and the only “to do” was have fun! Let’s try to incorporate some of that feeling into our lives this summer. Whether it's for an hour, a day, a weekend, or even a glorious week, craft a plan to release yourself from the tyranny of adulting. Do absolutely nothing or go have some totally frivolous fun.

Play hooky from work, play hooky from home, take everything on your list and give it to someone else—or procrastinate like a student facing exams. It will all be there when you get back. Turn off the phone, turn off the computer; be as unreachable as if you were in one of those over-the-water thatched bungalows in Bora Bora. (Better yet, actually go to one of those over-the-water thatched bungalows in Bora Bora, lol!)

What do you miss most about childhood summer days? Lying around? Reading all day with no interruptions? Napping? Going to the movies? Going to the beach? Getting ice cream? Do whatever your heart yearns for.

Think of the activities you did that made you feel free and full of promise and possibility. Or, think of what you wished to do but never got to. Go rollerskating or bike riding or swimming or camping. Set up a Slip’n’Slide! Go to a playground, swing on the swings, and eat Popsicles. Get some art supplies and do some wild and crazy finger painting, play with clay, or create Jackson Pollock-style splatter art. See if you can round up some friends to play kick the can or sand volleyball. Meet up in a park and have a picnic. Have a picnic all by yourself! Rent a boat, kayak, canoe, or paddle board and get out on the water.

Maybe you miss sleep-away camp. Several summers ago, as I was planning my son's summer, I found myself feeling jealous. “I want to go to camp,” I thought. “I want to make art and swim and hang out with other girls and have campfires!” I posted that thought on my Facebook page—and amazing life coach Carla Robertson replied, “I could make that happen for you!” She actually created a weekend “camp” with several other women at a group of little cottages in St. Francisville, Louisiana. We made crafts, hiked in the woods to some beautiful waterfalls, and relaxed. We also enjoyed marvelous individual coaching and treated ourselves to Prosecco with sorbet, which was a nice grown-up twist! Maybe you can create something like this for yourself and a few friends.

In 2016, I Googled “art camp for women” and discovered Lucky Star (which is held in early November but since it’s in Texas it still feels like summer)! I immediately signed up, and it was the quintessential camp experience—only way, way better (gourmet food and you could bring your own adult beverage!). Held at a gorgeous historic girls’ camp on the Guadeloupe River, it was incredible from start to finish. I immersed myself in art classes, yoga, horseback riding, sitting by the river, and late-night campfires with singalongs—and I got to share it with about 100 new friends. It was magical, and I highly recommend it! (Lucky Star is in Hunt, Texas, in the hill country: www.luckystarartcamp.com.)

Whatever you did in your childhood summers that made you happiest (or whatever you wanted to but couldn’t!), try to do it or something similar now. At the very least (and perhaps this would do the very most good), spend an afternoon lying on the grass in your backyard with some lemonade and good music, watching the clouds and listening to the birds. Enjoy doing nothing; imagine that you have absolutely no responsibilities and the entire glorious summer lies ahead, full of promise. Repeat as often as possible, and I bet you start to feel like a kid again!

Patience! Wherefore Art Thou, Patience?

February 2, 2018 Ashley Brown

Oh, patience! Anyone else have trouble being patient? I am thisclose to getting a printed proof copy of my book in my hands – the physical culmination of ten months of work – and I'm stuck. A "very odd" error in a file I'm trying to upload has customer service stumped. I've been "escalated” to the "tier two" team, which cannot be a good thing. I spent hours at the computer yesterday going through all of the many steps, giddily anticipating the thrill of placing the print order and knowing that my book is finally on its way to me. To be foiled at the second-to-last moment – after weeks of waiting for my final files (again, trying to be patient) – oh! The agony. I know, I know, first world problems.

But it brings up an issue for me that I face time and again: having to be patient. This has never been easy for me, so a while ago I started praying for more patience. I want to be like Marmee in Little Women: unflappable and constantly calm, even in the face of terrible difficulty. So far, not even close.

Recently a friend mentioned that she is always careful what she prays for; that in her experience, when she prays for patience, what she gets is more situations in which she needs to be patient. Aha! So I stopped praying for that, but apparently the half-life on those prayers is quite long.

I know it's a lesson that I will face again and again until I learn it, but it’s so difficult. I guess the best lessons always are. I suspect I'm also being taught that my usual "butt my head against the obstacle until it gives or I fall down" approach is not the best. Certainly there are times when persistence and hard work are needed, but I tend to view any setback or delay as something to be attacked with increased vigor, rather than accepted.

It's all tied in to my productivity complex, which I've talked about here before. I simply don't feel right if I'm not being productive when there is something left to do. But – here's the problem – there's always something to do! The list is neverending. I can't possibly get it all done, even if I work around the clock. And we all know what happens to us with all work and no play. But I have such a difficult time playing or simply resting during the weekday. On the weekend, sure (after all the household chores are done, lol!). But Monday through Friday? It's a very tough sell to my inner taskmaster.

I have had the experience, though, of taking a break from something (usually when I had no choice) and reading or going for a walk, then coming back to a resolved situation or the answer I'm waiting for. So I know that sometimes, that can work. I also know how much better I feel when I alternate periods of concentrated effort with periods of R&R. And truly, if I'm in a situation that requires waiting on someone else, doing something fun helps the time pass much more quickly than moving on to another joyless task so that "at least I'm still doing something.”

Today I am walking away from my computer with the knowledge that I've done all I can on this project, and it's time to wait for the cavalry to arrive. I will go get a massage, and if there's no news after I get home, I will do something fun with no guilt. I will not stew, or complain (anymore than I already have today!). I will channel Marmee and be a virtual beacon of patience shining for the whole world to see. Well, I will try, anyway.

If you're facing any sort of similar challenge, I wish you piles of patience and a speedy resolution!

Do You Ever Have Trouble Taking a Break?

October 13, 2017 Ashley Brown

I have been working very hard on writing a book for about the past five months. The manuscript is now with the editor, and I have turned my focus to the elements of production and promotion. It’s all quite overwhelming, and I feel like my brain is totally fried at this point. What I really need is a break, but I can't seem to give myself one. I feel compelled to keep going, as much as possible every day, so that I can meet my deadline. Since I am self-publishing, it is a completely arbitrary and self-imposed deadline—but I will still feel like a failure if I don't meet it.

On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for persevering in the face of difficulty and mental fatigue. But on the other hand, I seem to have lost the ability to take a break. Each weekend I tell myself I’m going not going to do any work, and then I feel fidgety until I finally give in and so something.

However, we are going to the beach this weekend, and I am not taking my laptop, and I am not taking my notes. I am going to do my very best to put all of this out of my head for three whole days. I know it's going to be a struggle, but I feel like it's necessary for me at this point.

Many people I admire say that doing less is often more productive than pushing through and doing more. I'm going to experiment with that this weekend and hope that they are right! I think a lot of times we put too much pressure on ourselves. A life coach I've worked with named Carla Robertson calls it “SIMU”—“stuff I made up.” I keep thinking all of these things are vital and have to happen right away, when the truth is, they can actually wait.

I hope that you are also able to take a break this weekend from whatever you may be struggling with, or working too hard on. Give yourself some rest and relaxation. I will certainly be trying to achieve that. Ha—I’ll be trying to rest. Sigh. Wish me luck!

Take a Vacation from Adulting

June 21, 2017 Ashley Brown

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the blue sky, is by no means waste of time.”

— Sir John Lubbock, “The Use of Life”

Maybe you miss sleep-away camp. Two summers ago, as I was planning my son's summer, I found myself feeling jealous. “I want to go to camp,” I thought. “I want to make art and swim and hang out with other girls and have campfires!” I posted that thought on my Facebook page—and amazing life coach Carla Robertson replied, “I could make that happen for you!” She actually created a weekend “camp” with several other women at a group of little cottages in St. Francisville, Louisiana. We made crafts, hiked in the woods to some beautiful waterfalls, and relaxed. We also enjoyed marvelous individual coaching and treated ourselves to Prosecco with sorbet, which was a nice grown-up twist! Maybe you can create something like this for yourself and a few friends.

Last year, I Googled “art camp for women” and discovered Lucky Star (which is held in early November but since it’s in Texas it still feels like summer)! I immediately signed up, and it was the quintessential camp experience—only way, way better (gourmet food and you could bring your own adult beverage!). Held at a gorgeous historic girls’ camp on the Guadeloupe River, it was incredible from start to finish. I will go into more detail in a future post about the healing power of making art, but I immersed myself in art classes, yoga, horseback riding, sitting by the river, and late-night campfires with singalongs—and I got to share it with about 100 new friends. It was magical, and I highly recommend it! (Lucky Star is in Hunt, Texas, in the hill country; 2017 dates are November 1-5: www.luckystarartcamp.com.)

What beliefs are keeping you from joy?

May 8, 2017 Ashley Brown

I’m just going to start. So much mental back and forth! Do I write by hand first to access the “me” within, or start on the computer? Where and when can I find a bit of solitude to concentrate? I want everything to be perfect before I begin; that has held me up before. I want that desk at the window overlooking the rolling hills, with sunshine and birdsong and a perfect cup of coffee steaming by the side of my notebook and freshly sharpened pencil…and a servant to bring me fresh coffee, water, snacks, lunch—oh, and to take care of my responsibilities so I can sit there and be self-indulgent.

Aha! Writing is self-indulgent? Hmmm…is that belief why I never seem to be able to do this? I’m writing for myself and not a client, so I’m not making money, so it has no value. It’s worthless. Because Lord knows, anything that isn’t productive is a waste of time. For Pete’s sake. This is the belief I battle all day, every day, instilled in me by well-meaning but damaged and fearful parents.

Over the last few years as I have accelerated my quest for peace and everyday happiness—or at least most-day contentment—I’ve come up against this bugger a lot. I try to sit in the sun each day to relax after a busy morning. I’ve just been quite productive so I take a short break; yet I feel guilty about it, and often have to make myself. This concept of “filling up our well”—that we can’t give to others if we are not full—I believe this. I’ve definitely experienced it. But I still criticize myself for needing to take those breaks. It is frustrating to be trapped in that loop.

This compulsion to be constantly productive also keeps me from being still and accessing my inner voice. Everything I read tells me that stillness is the key to finding peace and joy. Sitting quietly, calming the mind, and allowing that wise woman at your core to speak up—that will show you the way. In our culture, busy-ness is prized above all else. I’ve read recommendations to schedule alone time into your calendar just like a meeting or an errand, and when someone wants you to do something you say, nope, that’s my time to be quiet. OMG, can you imagine? I have a long way to go before I can say that with a straight face. I do have my son trained not to bother me when I have my headphones on, because I am doing a guided meditation (I do the Abraham-Hicks ones, and I highly recommend them), so that’s a start. And I just started waking up earlier each day to sit in silence for five or ten minutes. I find it’s much easier to do this first thing in the morning, before my mind is fully awake. And by getting up earlier, I’m using “bonus” time, so my inner boss doesn’t berate me for being unproductive. In fact, he’s pretty gleeful that I’m up early. Early bird gets the worm and all that.

Beyond preventing me from reaping the benefits of being quiet, this belief also keeps me busy with life maintenance chores, rather than activities that feed my soul. I would love to spend most of my time reading, painting, or relaxing on the beach, but my Puritan work ethic tells me those are a waste of time, and I can only indulge in them after all the work is done. After all the work is done?! Seriously, tell me, have you ever had even one minute in your life where you thought, “Ah, now ALL the work is done!”? Ha. So I keep running like a hamster on a wheel, making calls, washing dishes, preparing meals, doing laundry, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (as the King in “The King and I” would say). And unless I consciously CHOOSE to relax, or paint, or write for myself, it simply will not happen. And that, my dears, is how we wake up one day at 48 and think, “WTF? What happened to all of those things I was going to do?”

I have several other belittling beliefs that I’m aware of—and probably a few more that I don’t even realize. One I’m battling right now is that my writing should flow effortlessly onto the page in glorious complete sentences that need no editing. (If I’m a real writer, that is.) When I write, and it’s not immediately perfect, I get discouraged. I have to give myself permission to write that “shitty first draft” (as Anne Lamott calls it in "Bird by Bird") and know that I will have to do the hard work of editing and polishing. And I’m not lazy if I dread that! It’s hard! I don’t know of any writers who say they relish that process. (Or, come to think of it, any writers who say their sentences flow effortlessly onto the page in glorious completeness!) I think this applies to many areas. My husband, a musician, says he feels the same way when trying to write a song.

Here’s another, major one: that I’m not worthy. This shows up in many ways. I question my writing and think that no one wants to hear what I have to say; it’s not important, it’s not helpful, and it doesn’t matter. I think a lot of people have that critic inside, whispering (or shouting): “Who are you to write a blog/paint/try for that dream job/speak your truth if it inconveniences others?” This type of self-doubt can be extremely corrosive; feeling this way in one area can spread to others like rust taking over a car until you’re questioning everything you do and denying your dreams.

Have you ever had this feeling? Do you have any beliefs like this that are limiting your ability to chase your dreams—or just enjoy living your life?

We can spend most of our days on autopilot, especially as busy moms, wives, and career women—taking care of others while ignoring our own needs, and allowing unconscious beliefs to run our lives. When you sit down with paper and pen and ask yourself questions like, “What is keeping me from my dreams?” or even “What thoughts do I have that make me unhappy?” you might be amazed at what flows forth. There is a voice inside of us that knows what we need. We just have to make space for her, and politely but firmly tell our mind to take a hike for a little while.