Resolution #5: Do Good

{As I’ve posted before, I’m creating resolutions in honor of my recent 50th birthday that will inspire and guide me going forward.}

This resolution also has two meanings, like Be Light, and it’s related in a way as well. As I said in the Be Light post, I want to be a positive influence. I want to do good things in my life. I’m not necessarily thinking of huge things, but whenever I have a chance to do some good, like helping a person in need, I want to take it.

Part of this is keeping my eyes open for those chances. Often I’m all wrapped up in my own life and not really paying full attention to the world around me. It’s easy to miss opportunities to help others when I’m just focused on myself.

It also means choosing actions that will be helpful, rather than hurtful, to others. I want to act with integrity. I never want to harm another through my actions or words. And if I do hurt someone else (which inevitably happens, even when we don’t mean to), I want to step up and apologize immediately, and try to make it right. I want to own my actions rather than letting shame take over and cause me to justify or hide.

It’s hard to admit when I’ve made a mistake, especially if it hurt someone else. But it’s important to be honest and to give the other person a chance to tell me how they feel. It’s uncomfortable, but so much healthier than avoidance! And it’s simply the right thing to do if I want to live a “good” life.

The other meaning of this resolution is that I want to focus on being satisfied with “good” rather than “perfect.” Gretchen Rubin references the quote “Perfect is the enemy of good” in The Happiness Project, and this really struck a chord with me.

I spend way too much energy trying to do everything perfectly, when doing it “good enough” would be just fine. I want to lower some of my ridiculously high standards and, as I’ve talked about before, give myself a break as much as possible. I think that will free up a lot of energy and time. This part may be harder to stick to, but it will really have a positive impact in the long term.

What do you think about the idea of “good” being OK, or even preferable, to “perfect”? Here is an interesting article from Entrepreneur magazine that goes into the concept a little further. And in the spirit of this idea, I’m going to wrap this post up here, rather than attempt to create the perfect ending! :-)

Resolution #4: Be Light

As I’ve discussed in previous posts (here, here, and here), I’ve been thinking about resolutions since I turned 50 last month. Inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project, I’m compiling a list of intentions that will guide me each day and help me stay on track with the kind of person I want to be and the type of life I want to live.

Here is my latest one: Be light.

This has two meanings for me. First, I want to be a voice of positivity, and have a beneficial impact on others. My Kundalini yoga teacher talked about this recently, about “Being the lighthouse,” and I thought, “Yes! That’s how I want to be.”

I am a naturally optimistic person, always looking for the bright side of things. As I’ve focused more on increasing the joy in my life, I’ve learned a lot, and I want to share it with as many people as possible. This world can be so tough. We need more “lightworkers.” I want to look for opportunities to help spread happiness whenever I can.

The second meaning is to be light-hearted: to be more playful and silly, and stop taking myself so seriously. In the words of one of my favorite Jimmy Buffett songs, I want to grow “older but not up.” (Actually, I’d rather just stay this same age for a while, rather than grow older, but given the real alternative I will reluctantly keep aging!)

I became so serious after my son was born. I lost a lot of my lightheartedness. The incredible responsibility of being a parent—of caring for this tiny helpless thing—it overwhelmed me. But I now realize that things can be important, and still be treated as such, without having to be so serious. You can play and still teach—in fact, play is how children learn. I feel like I became so serious because of fear. I’m afraid that if I don’t pay attention, if I don’t work really hard, if I don’t “take this seriously young lady,” something bad might happen.

I have all these rules about what a stable home life looks like and how to keep my son healthy and happy and safe. And those are nothing but, as my friend and excellent life coach Carla Robertson says, SIMU—Shit I Made Up. Sure, some routine is necessary, and some caution is advisable, but I have gone overboard out of fear—and it’s time to lighten up.

This also applies to other parts of my life, not just parenting. I am too serious about work. As I’ve talked about here before, I feel like I must get all my work done before I can relax or play. But here’s the problem with that thinking: The. Work. Is. Never. Done. Ever. So…I’ve been making a real effort to get past that Puritan ethic, and instead find some harmony between work and play. The list doesn’t have to be finished before I take some time to relax.

Luckily, we’re about to take a couple of short trips for our Fall Break, so I will get a chance to reset my work-o-meter to vacation mode. This time, when I come back, I’ll be more mindful about incorporating that balanced approach into everyday life!

Since we’ll be on vacation next week, there won’t be a post; I hope you have a wonderful week and are able to find time to relax as well!

A Different Kind of Birthday Gift

My birthday was last week. It was a significant one: I turned 50. That number feels unreal to me. It doesn’t seem possible that I have already lived 50 years, and that even if I live to be 100 (which is a goal), my life is halfway over. Yikes. This brought up all sorts of anxious and fearful thoughts for me, so I went looking for something positive to counteract them.

A friend told me that she has heard of 50 as a birthday when we start over fresh, the slate wiped clean. There’s a lot on my slate that I don’t want to erase, but I like the idea of leaving old baggage behind, and of finding new pathways to joy.  I’ve always thought that one of the keys to a successful life is to keep growing.

I recently re-read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, in which she tries out a variety of ways “to change [her] life without changing [her] life, by finding more happiness in [her] own kitchen.” I was struck by the resolutions she created to help her stay on track each month. They included many that resonated with me, such as “Exercise better, enjoy the fun of failure, go off the path, be generous, stimulate the mind in new ways, and laugh out loud.”

As a birthday gift to myself, for something positive to focus on, I think I’m going to try crafting some resolutions of my own. I will create a set of intentions to keep me on the path of increased growth and happiness; guidelines to give me more direction as I go about my daily life.

Rubin drew up a chart listing all of her resolutions, and she checked off the ones she managed to accomplish each day. I’m not sure about the checklist; with my tendency toward self-judgment that might make me a little nuts. But I like the idea of listing them all prominently so that I can remind myself of them each morning. Often when I learn something helpful—a new way of thinking or behaving—it will stay top of mind for a few days, then it gets buried beneath the clutter of everyday life and I revert back to my old ways. A written list will keep those intentions front and center.

Creating the list will be a long-term project requiring a great deal of thought, but there are a few topics I already know will be on there. First, about that self-judgment…I want to LET THAT GO. I’m ready to stop holding myself to impossibly high standards, and beating myself up when I don’t meet them. It’s not a crime to make a mistake, so mistakes don’t need to be punished. We are human, and by definition imperfect and fallible.

Other areas of focus will be lightening up and having more fun, saying yes more often and seeking out adventure, and being fully present in the moment as much as possible. One of Rubin’s resolutions was to “enjoy now.” I tend to live in my head, and it feels like sometimes I go through much of the day on autopilot. I want to slow down and savor the good parts.

I also want to learn how to accept and allow the not-so-good parts. As I’ve talked about before, I don’t like being uncomfortable. But resisting what is just leads to unhappiness. I’d like to master the ability to take life as it comes.

As I come up with more resolutions—and as I attempt to follow them—I’ll keep you posted!

Something else I may try, and incorporate into future birthdays, is a practice my friend Wendy Battino, a life coach featured in chapter 14 of my book, recently posted on her Facebook page. She said, “I have an annual practice on my birthday; I go outside and build a fire and I write for the year ahead. Here are my prompts:

·         What wonderful things happened this year?

·         What shall I carry forward from these events?

·         What hard things happened this year?

·         What shall I let go? (Write it down and burn it)

·         What love can I give the world this year?

·         How shall I give it? (Seal it with fire)”

This seems like a beautiful practice. One of the women who commented on her page said that she writes a letter to herself each birthday covering some of these topics, and that it’s really interesting and helpful to read them each year.

What do you think? Does this practice, or the idea of creating resolutions, appeal to you? Do you have any special birthday rituals that you follow? And, how do you feel about milestone birthdays? Feel free to comment below or email me at Ashley@joydetectives.com!

Lighthouses: Books That Have Lit the Way for Me (Part 2)

Here is Part 2 of the list of books I’ve read during my search for joy that have guided me along my path. (See Part 1 here.)

The Artist’s Way and The Vein of Gold, Julia Cameron: incredible resources for anyone who wants more creativity and authenticity in their lives, whether you’re an “artist” or not. Her tone is calming and supportive, and her tools and exercises really work.

In The Artist’s Way she introduces morning pages, where you write longhand, stream of consciousness, for three pages first thing each morning. This clears the “sludge” out of the mind and can also help you identify fears and issues that are holding you back. Another tool is the artist date, where you take yourself somewhere creatively inspiring each week.

In addition, she outlines a 12-week program designed to help you break through any creative blocks and rediscover your true self and what you want to do. It’s amazing. Many of the women I interviewed for my book on morning rituals mentioned this book and how transformative it had been for them.  

The Vein of Gold takes you further along the” journey to the heart of creativity” and provides new exercises that are designed to “engage the reader in inner play.”

How We Choose to Be Happy, Rick Foster and Greg Hicks: they interviewed extremely happy people and found that often they were happy not because of their circumstances, but in spite of them. They CHOSE to be happy and accomplished this by setting that intention and looking for the positive in whatever happened to them. This shows that it’s not the external things that make us happy, but how we feel inside and how we perceive our lives. That’s why being a millionaire doesn’t automatically make someone happy. The authors were able to identify nine choices that all of the people had made that accounted for their happiness, and they discuss those. It’s a fascinating read.

 A Short Guide to a Happy Life and Being Perfect, Anna Quindlen: these deceptively small books pack a punch! Her writing is elegant and straightforward, and a pure joy to read. A Short Guide is an eloquent reminder to cherish each moment and appreciate the richness of our everyday lives.

Being Perfect rocked my world when I first read it. It’s full of brilliant insights about “the perfection trap,” which I often find myself caught in. She encourages us to be ourselves rather than constantly strive to live up to others’ expectations. These quotes really hit home for me: “Eventually, being perfect became like carrying a backpack filled with bricks every single day” and “What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” Yes!

How to Live a Good Life, Jonathan Fields: this is a very practical and easy-to-follow book that gives concrete recommendations on how to create a more fulfilling, engaged, happier life. He breaks life up into three “Good Life Buckets”: vitality (the state of your mind and body), connection (relationships), and contribution (how you contribute to the world). He says, “The fuller your buckets, the better your life. When all simultaneously bubble over, life soars. That’s what we’re aiming for. But the flip side is also true. If any single bucket runs dry, you feel pain. If two go empty, a world of hurt awaits. If all three bottom out, you don’t have a life. Figuratively and, in short order, literally.”

He gives a “60-second snapshot” to determine the levels in each of your buckets, and then the following chapters describe 10 ways to fill each bucket. Fields also runs The Good Life Project, which offers courses, podcasts, and even a summer camp for adults every year in upstate New York.

The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin: this was probably the first book I read that was specifically on looking for ways to be happier. It is also a very practical and easy-to-follow book, about how the author spent a year “test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier” after realizing that she was wasting her life in a sort of malaise. She had reasons to be happy, but often didn’t feel happy, so she decided to dedicate a year to trying out different ways to boost her happiness. Rubin is an excellent, engaging writer and it’s a fun read with lots of interesting ideas to try.

The Miracle of Mindfulness and Peace Is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh: simply reading his books makes me feel peaceful. His style is so restful—it’s like meditating while reading. And his concepts are simple yet incredibly powerful. If you find meditating or mindfulness difficult, like I do, these books will be very helpful.

I hope that one or more of these books makes a difference for you, as they have for me. Stay tuned for Part 3!