Do Less

We are officially in the season of stress. But it’s not just the holiday time that seems to encourage us to go, go, go and do, do, do. Our culture has increasingly emphasized being busy and productive—“owning the day” and “leaning in”—as the best way to be.

But it’s not. It most definitely is not. We are not meant to constantly be on. We need downtime. We need daydreaming. We need to do nothing—and we need large doses of that, regularly. But there is still a lot of shame about doing nothing. I know I continue to struggle with it, even as I read all the research that backs up its value.

At Lucky Star I was talking with a woman who had recently recovered from a life-threatening illness. She said she was trying to do less because she knew it was better for her health, but she still faced outside pressure. She had been asked by a group of other moms at her child’s school to take over a huge project. They actually said, “You finished treatment, right, so now you have time?”

What?? What the actual what?? Not only do we all need to ease up on pressuring ourselves to do more, we need to ease up on each other! Thankfully she was able to tell those women no, but she still felt guilty. And that is a shame. We should be able to say no to things that will endanger our health—physical or mental—and we should be able to do that without guilt or pushback from others.

Perhaps that is coming. There seems to be a lot more talk about self-care and taking time out and prioritizing rest than there used to be. Kate Northrup published a wonderful book earlier this year titled Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time and Energy Management for Busy Moms. In it, she says:

“The way we work in our culture is as though we’re in a perpetual harvest. But anyone who’s grown anything in the earth knows this is impossible. …When a seed is planted, it takes time, care, and resources before it sprouts and grows to its fullest expression. As humans, our creative process is no different, yet we’ve forgotten that we need time, care, and space to not only do our best work but also to show up as our best selves. When you continue to plant the same crop in a field over and over and over again without ever giving it a break, the crops suffer as the soil degrades; eventually there is no harvest. … When we ask ourselves to work and produce and create and birth with no fallow time, we burn out. We become ill.”

Northrup discusses research that refutes the pressure to be productive all the time, and shows that we are actually more productive when we take breaks. She also gives all sorts of tools and exercises we can use to honor our body’s natural cycles of energy, learn how to ask for (and receive!) help, and accomplish more with less effort.

The book is an extremely helpful resource, and has sparked a “Do Less” movement. I’ve noticed others encouraging this type of behavior on social media, like Karen Brody of Daring to Rest (she has a podcast, website, and book as well). I hope that will continue to grow until it becomes mainstream and we are all able to relax without guilt!

Regardless, I urge you to take care of yourself by doing less wherever you can. Say no to things that will drain or stress you. I love the saying “No is a complete sentence.” But I have yet to be able to just say no! I always feel like I have to give a reason—and that the reason has to be justifiable. I’m doing my best to get over that. “No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible” or “That’s not going to work for me” are all we need to say.

The holidays are an excellent time to start practicing, as we tend to accumulate responsibilities and activities over the years that weigh us down. So this holiday season, and as you begin the new year, see where you can do less. If all the holiday traditions bring you joy, by all means dive in.

But if any of them feel like a burden, see if you can make them less stressful or let them go. Use the old Better, Barter, or Bag It method—can you make it better somehow, maybe by revising it so it’s not such a hassle? Or can you get someone else to do it? Or can you just bag it completely? (Lol, does anyone say “bag it” anymore? I feel like I might be dating myself with that terminology.)

Anyway, you get the idea. Don’t buy into the societal pressure that says we have to do it all, and do it perfectly. Ease up on yourself and give yourself the gift of doing less wherever you can. (Truly a gift that keeps on giving.)

The blog will be on holiday hiatus as I take my own advice and move a few things off of my “to do” list temporarily. I will talk to y’all in 2020! (Can you believe it will be a new decade??) I hope you have a wonderful, easy, fun, happy holiday season!

Less Worry, More Wonder

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

— Corrie ten Boom

A long time ago I had the thought: what would my life look like if I didn’t worry at all? How amazing would that be? I thought about how free I would feel, how easy, how peaceful. I wanted to write a blog post about it, to try to inspire myself and others to do our best to live that way, without worrying…and then of course, life got busy. It was like my head, which had peeked above the clouds for a second and glimpsed another way, sank back down into the murk of my usual stress level, and it just felt hypocritical to write about worrying less when I was actually worrying every day. So I tabled the idea and continued on.

Then one morning last week, I was feeling OK. Despite it being a busy few weeks, everything on the near horizon was under control. And yet, I realized, my mind was actively scanning the future for possible problems and I was beginning to feel stressed. I got PISSED. Here I was feeling fine, with no real reason to be anxious, and yet my mind was trying to find one??

As I considered this, I realized that I do it all the time. It occurred to me that some part of me must think it’s my job to worry constantly. It seems to be my default setting, even after all these years of trying to be more peaceful and positive-minded.

Here’s what happens: I’m always thinking ahead to make sure that I’m prepared for whatever is coming up. I make notes and write stuff on my calendar and figure out what I need to do when, etc. That is fine and actually necessary to make sure our lives run smoothly. And if I stopped there, it would just be a positive, helpful behavior.

But I don’t. Once I’ve made sure that everything in the immediate future is considered and planned for, instead of relaxing and focusing on the present, I keep going. I look further and further ahead to responsibilities down the road, and to potential conflicts and possible problems.

And then, when I think about all of that on top of what is currently going on, I feel overwhelmed and anxious—especially since most of what I’m worrying over is either something I can’t do anything about right now or something that might not even happen. I get either extremely jittery or super tired—but either way I want to run away! Which is not exactly helpful or conducive to managing my current responsibilities, and it feels awful.

So after I got some clarity on this pattern the other morning, I sat down to think about why it might be so. Why would I feel like my job is to constantly think ahead and worry about the future? And why does it feel like if I don’t do this, something terrible will happen? Like I’m shirking my duty?

I thought about my son, who just started high school, and how we’re teaching him to plan ahead so that he gets all his schoolwork done on time. It’s not something that comes naturally to him, and I remembered that it didn’t come naturally to me either when I was his age. In fact, I remembered, I would actually get in trouble for not planning ahead or not thinking about the consequences of my actions, and would often get punished. Boom! Lightbulb moment! When I was younger, if I didn’t think ahead, something terrible WOULD happen! I would get punished! I got the message that I had to always be thinking ahead—and so like any good and obedient girl, that is what I do. Wow.

Once I realized that, I realized I had the power to start retraining myself, and that “less worry, more wonder” might actually be possible for me. I first saw that phrase about five years ago on life coach Carla Robertson’s website and it really appealed to me.  It has been part of my mission on this “joy detective” journey—to feel more open to wonder, and less constrained by worry. Now I think I might have made a breakthrough in how to do that.

Of course I still need to plan ahead, and will always do that—you can’t be a successful adult without that ability. But the key is in stopping myself from going further. Once I am sure that I have thought through what’s important for now, I can rest. It is no longer my job to constantly scan the horizon for potential problems. There is a LOT of trust involved in this, and it’s something I’m going to have to practice over and over. But so far here is what I do:

 I realize I’m worrying about something unnecessarily.  (That’s actually a big first step, to become aware of what I’m doing.) Then I tell my mind that it’s not my job to think about that right now, and that in fact, worrying about the future is harmful to me in the present.

I make a conscious decision to let the worry go, and trust that it will be OK. I’ve even got a mantra to repeat: “I don’t know how it’s going to work out, but I trust that it will all work out for the best.” Some people recommend writing down whatever you are worrying about, putting it in a special box or jar, and giving it over to God or the Universe or whatever higher power you believe in. I’ve done this before with big issues that I had no control over, and it really does help.

Anxiety and fear are so draining. If I can relax about the future, and trust that everything will in fact work out (without my needing to obsess over it constantly), it will free up so much energy! And it will give me an expansive feeling of peace and ease, which is much more conducive to everyday happiness.

So that’s my goal: to go through this process whenever I find myself worrying, and return my thoughts to the present. My hope is that the process will get easier over time, and I will in fact have less worry, which will make room for more wonder. I’ll let you know how it goes! And if you have any tips for worrying less, I’d love to hear them!

Making Bad Art Really IS Good for You!

I recently read an article that made me extremely happy. It discussed a study that found that making art can reduce stress levels, whether or not you have any experience.  (You can read the full article here.) A group of 39 people of varying ages, races, genders, and experience making art spent 45 minutes either doing collages, modelling with clay, or drawing with markers. Of the people in the study, 75% of them had lower cortisol levels after the session (cortisol is a biological indicator of stress).

And get this—the levels didn’t differ based on prior experience with art-making! Isn’t that great news? It’s just as I said in my old post, “Making Bad Art Is Good for You”—and now there’s scientific proof that’s true! It really takes the pressure off, doesn’t it?

So, here’s your prescription from Dr. Ashley, lol: Create something! Today, or this week, I invite you to set aside some time to play. Get creative in whatever way makes you happiest, whether that’s doodling, coloring, drawing, painting, collage, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, gardening, decorating your home, photography, clay modeling, making music, arranging shells on the beach—whatever feels the most fun. Let yourself just enjoy the process without judging the result (easier said than done, I know, but try it!

Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, because you “don’t know how”? There are tons of instructional videos out there. Or you could even—gasp—just play around without any instructions at all! (This makes my inner perfectionist freak out, so I know it’s a good idea!) Go for it! You have nothing to lose and a happier, healthier self to gain!

You can also take classes, which I enjoy because then you’re interacting with other creative souls as well as learning something new. If that appeals to you, you may want to check out the women’s art camp I’ve talked about before (here, here, and here). I’m actually teaching there this year (on creating a restorative daily ritual) and I’m already counting the days! I can’t wait to immerse myself in that magical experience again, connecting with fascinating women and creating our hearts out just for the fun of it! This year’s camp is Wednesday, November 6 through Sunday, November 10 in Hunt, Texas. You can learn more at www.luckystarartcamp.com.

Meanwhile, go play! It’s good for you!

Take a Tizzy Timeout

The holiday season is here, and I can already feel myself revving up into overwhelm mode. I LOVE the holidays, but I can really stress myself out with all the extra tasks I take on during this time. Cooking, baking, hosting, making and sending out holiday cards, shopping for gifts, decorating … does this sound like your list also? Last year, I was able to use my new morning ritual to stay somewhat centered, and it helped me slow down and enjoy the season more. But I still wore myself out. When things get extra busy, I work myself into a tizzy trying to handle everything as quickly as possible. I tend to keep moving until it’s all done—and then collapse.

This year, I plan to take some short breaks each day—“tizzy timeouts”—to recharge myself as I go. I’ve tried this during crazy-busy days recently and it really helps. Give it a try the next time you find yourself in that whirlwind of activity. Just taking a moment to sit down and breathe, or a few minutes to savor a cup of tea, can make all the difference in how you feel. That tiny little rest restores enough energy to keep going without completely burning out. And it can help make whatever you’re doing a lot more enjoyable!

I also highly recommend a morning ritual, if you don’t already do one—or if you’ve tried but find it hard to implement. For some tips, check out this article I wrote recently for Yoga Journal on “5 Ways to Actually Stick to a Morning Ritual,” or this post on The Daily Positive: “Meaningful Morning Rituals in 10 Minutes or Less.”

Whether it’s in the morning, at lunch, in mid-afternoon, or in the evening, carve out some space each day just for you. Take some time to rest and recharge. The holidays are a marathon, not a sprint!

I won’t be posting next week since it’s Thanksgiving, so I’ll see you in December! I hope you have a wonderful, happy Thanksgiving (if you’re in the U.S.) and a lovely week (if you’re not!).