A Hodgepodge of Help

Hey, there. I hope that you are doing as well as can be expected during this wild ride we’re on. I’m still experiencing mood swings, from calm and accepting to anxious to angry to resigned to hopeful, and all sorts of other emotions in between. And so I continue to search for ways to feel better—if not joyful, necessarily, then at least somewhat peaceful. I wanted to share a few things that have helped me recently.

Pitch a Fit

I’ve mentioned Master Healer Sonia Sommer before; she has a weekly email newsletter that always offers valuable insights and information. A week or so ago she wrote that that morning her daughter (who I believe is a teenager) was upset, and when Sonia tried to comfort her by offering suggestions, it just seemed to make her worse. She finally gave her daughter space, and after some “fit-pitching” she calmed down and started to figure out a way through the problem on her own. Sonia realized that when we’re feeling upset, we can’t jump right from that state to being open to helpful advice. First we need to process the emotions and let them out.

So, I’m sharing her suggestion to pitch a fit when you need to. Don’t try to talk yourself out of the emotion. When you’re feeling nervous, or afraid, or angry, or sad, go ahead and feel it. Channel a good ol’ toddler temper tantrum—punch some pillows, lie down and cry, kick your feet, yell and scream if you can (maybe go sit in your car or some other private space if you have access to one!).

I have gone into my bedroom to pound the pillows and cry more than once. I also like to “journal angry”—writing in huge messy all capital letters about what is pissing me off (this form of silent yelling can work well if you’re not able to go anywhere private). Last week my husband and I went on an extremely fast walk around the neighborhood one evening, just to work off the frustration we were feeling.

Do whatever you can do to let the emotions move through and out of you. Then, and only then, you’ll be able to look for silver linings/solutions/ways to manage the situation.

Seek Out Positive, Calming Influences

Today, I watched a TED Connects: Community and Hope interview with author Elizabeth Gilbert about coping during these times. I found it enormously soothing and filled with useful ideas and inspiring stories. Here is the link to the video and to the series, which they are running live every day at noon Eastern time.

I’m also doing my best to meditate more. But since my mind is even more active than usual, I need a little extra help, so I’m trying guided meditations. A local fitness studio, Wild Lemon, has started a Youtube channel which has some lovely meditations on there for free. Here’s a link to a recent one. Another way to try guided meditation is with an app like Calm, Headspace, or Insight Timer.

And I’m trying to move my body every day—not necessarily to “exercise” or keep fit, but because it boosts my mood and relieves stress. I’m taking long walks, stretching, and doing online yoga and Pilates classes. Here’s a link to some free classes on Wild Lemon’s Youtube channel. Yoga Journal also has some sequences and free videos on their website.

I hope you find one or more of these ideas/resources helpful. Hang in there! We will get through this.

A Calming Meditation

I feel like it’s important to do whatever we can to share resources with each other on how to feel better during these crazy times. Here’s a calming and grounding meditation that I do each morning, and have taught in my workshops. I adapted it from the meditation that Equus Coach Koelle Simpson described to me when I interviewed her about her morning ritual for my book A Beautiful Morning.

Sit tall, either crosslegged on the ground or in a chair with your feet resting on the ground. Close your eyes and rest your hands on your thighs or in your lap. Breathe deeply. Take a moment to feel your connection with the ground. Begin to picture the energy in the earth beneath you.  Breathe in deeply. Then breathe out completely.

Inhale and imagine the energy rising up through the ground and into the base of your spine or soles of your feet, then up your spine to the top of your head. Pause the breath and imagine it circling your head, creating awareness and self-compassion within you.

Then slowly exhale as you picture the energy flowing back down the front of your body and into the earth, taking any negative feelings or energy with it. Breathe out completely, then breathe in slowly and picture the energy rising again.

Continue the cycle at your own pace as long as you like. Up your spine as you breathe in … circling around your head as you pause the breath … and back down into the earth as you exhale.

If you like, you can give the energy a color—perhaps a lovely healing green, or a beautiful calming blue, or an energizing orange.  Imagine it swirling up into you from the earth. Let that energy fill you and surround you so that you are glowing with that color.  When you’ve completed your last exhale, open your eyes.

Self-Care for Stressful Times

I know the world seems filled with anxiety and fear right now; here is an article I recently wrote for Thrive Global on how we can take care of ourselves despite all the turmoil. You may also want to check out my previous posts  “The Big 7 Ways to Boost Happiness” and “17 More Mood Boosters.”

In times of stress, it’s more important than ever to take care of ourselves. If you’re feeling anxious or scared about the current coronavirus situation, it can be helpful to ramp up your self-care.  

Much of the time, we’re fearful about a situation because it’s out of our control. Taking steps to feel more in control can help us calm the fear and anxiety. For example, if you’re concerned about possibly getting sick, be proactive in supporting your health. As you know, handwashing is vital—at least 20 seconds. Get plenty of sleep, do some exercise, drink lots of water, eat fruits and vegetables, and perhaps take some immune-boosting supplements (Dr. Oz recently recommended vitamin D, vitamin C, zinc, and elderberry).

Then, do your best to reduce stress and comfort yourself. Here are some ideas:

·         Minimize your exposure to the news. Maybe instead of watching it on TV, you just check a news source you trust—and maybe you only do that once or twice a day.  Spend less time on social media.

·         Be mindful of your thoughts. If you find yourself worrying, turn your attention to something positive and uplifting instead. Think of it like switching the channel on your TV: hmmm., that thought doesn’t feel good; let’s find one that does.

·         Exercise. Go for a walk or run, or do some yoga or other exercise that you enjoy. Movement helps your body process stress hormones, and it boosts endorphins, which will make you feel better.

·         Breathe slowly and deeply. This calms your nervous system by triggering the relaxation response. An easy breathing practice to try is “box” or “square” breathing. To do it, imagine a square. You’re going to breathe around the square: inhale through your nose for four counts, pause the breath for four counts, exhale for four counts, and pause the breath for four counts. Do that at least three times.

·         Meditate. Meditation is a proven anxiety-reducer. If you find it difficult, try a guided meditation. There are some great apps that can help, like Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace.

·         Soothe your body. Soak in a warm bath with Epsom salts to release tension. Consider getting a massage or acupuncture; not only can this help you relax, it also stimulates your immune system. 

·         Spend time outside. Studies have shown that nature calms us and makes us happier. Find a grassy or tree-filled spot and walk through it slowly or sit in silence.  Also, exposure to sunshine triggers the production of vitamin D, as well as serotonin, which boosts your mood. (The increase in serotonin happens when sunlight enters your eyes, so don’t wear sunglasses; but obviously, avoid looking directly at the sun).

·         Do what makes you feel good. Do you love to read, or paint, or dance? Are there certain kinds of music that lift your spirits? Does baking always relax you? Make a list of things that make you happy or bring you comfort, and scatter them throughout your day.

·         Journal. Journaling has been shown to be effective at managing stress. Writing down your thoughts is like clearing clutter from your room; it gets rid of all the junk and leaves behind clarity and space. And when you put worries in writing, you can more easily evaluate them and come up with coping strategies. Try doing a stream-of-consciousness brain dump every day. 

·         Laugh! Laughter reduces anxiety, boosts your immune system, and stimulates the release of endorphins. It’s so powerful, people do laughter therapy and laughter yoga! Watch a funny video online, or a TV show or movie if you have more time. Some classic comedies are “The Inlaws,” “Airplane,” “Young Frankenstein,” “His Girl Friday,” “Best in Show,” “Some Like It Hot,” “The Producers,” “Raising Arizona,” and “The Princess Bride.” TV shows that are sure to get you laughing are “I Love Lucy,” “Seinfeld,” and old episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus or The Carol Burnett Show. What are your favorites? Make a list one day when you’re in a good mood and keep it handy for emergency laughter infusion as needed.

·         Pet a dog or cat. Studies show that stroking, cuddling, or even gazing into the eyes of a pet leads to a rise in oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is the “love hormone” that is also released during hugs, sex, and breastfeeding. It reduces stress and anxiety levels while increasing feelings of relaxation, trust, and bonding.

·         Hug someone. Hugging increases both oxytocin and serotonin—as little as 20 seconds of hugging someone will elevate those levels enough for a significant positive impact.

Remember that, while you may not be able to control external events, you do have control over your internal world. Taking care of yourself every day will keep you calm and centered.

A Gratitude Experiment

I’ve talked about master healer Sonia Sommer’s “Wellness Wednesday” newsletters in previous posts, and shared some wonderful ideas. Here’s one from a recent email about the power of being grateful, which I found really helpful. As I’ve written about before, gratitude is incredibly beneficial, and I’m always looking for ways to help myself remember to practice it.

 The Gratitude Experiment

By Sonia Sommer

 Stop trying to control everything outside yourself.

 You cannot.

 All your power lies within.

 Your perspective changes your life.

 Therefore, begin every day in deep gratitude for everything exactly as it is.

 Gratitude is not a passive response to life.

 Gratitude is an elevated state of being that changes your entire world.

 But don't take my word for it.

 Do an experiment: commit to 30 days of unconditional gratitude and see what happens.

You probably know this already. 

 But knowing and doing are two completely different things.

 It's what we do consistently, every single day, that creates our life.

 If you want to truly experience the magic of life, make a commitment now.

This topic came up today because I am seeing so many clients trying desperately to control things. Placing all kinds of conditions on life in order to feel ok. It is futile and a waste of your precious energy. Life is much easier than that.

If this applies to you, do the gratitude experiment.

If it doesn't apply to you, do the gratitude experiment. You're probably already doing it, in which case we thank you for lifting us up with you.

Experiment tips:

• Immediately upon waking, place your hand on your heart and say "Good morning soul. I love you my soul." Be thankful that you are alive, you have a body. Think of 5 things for which you are grateful and feel that state arise within.

• After you get up, meditate until you are in love with your life and feel a deep sense of gratitude. It may take an hour. It may take 10 minutes. 

• Go to your journal and write down your gratitudes. Write at least 5. Two of them should be difficult things in your life for which you must find gratitude. What is the lesson, what could be the gift in the challenge that you don't yet understand? 

• Throughout your day, stop and cultivate gratitude and a sense of awe.

Watch this amazing video for some inspiration.

If you try this gratitude experiment, let me know how it goes!

The Big 7 Ways to Boost Happiness (Quickly and for Free!)

I just got these 7 tips on how to boost your happiness in Sonia Sommer’s “Wellness Wednesday” email and had to share them with you! Here’s what she says:

I used to struggle with depression and anxiety. For years. If this is you, I know how it feels mate. I thought I'd stay like that for my whole life.

But I didn't.

These days, I jump out of bed feeling joy. Even when life serves up the shit sandwich, emotions pass through very quickly and I go right back to my new baseline of genuine happiness.

You're supposed to feel happy most of the time too. That's why I've been throwing joy spaghetti on your walls lately, so that something will stick.

It's actually natural to feel joyful. Stress and anxiety are an unnatural state.

​​​​​​​Joy tip #4 the Big 7

My fantastic colleague Brian Johnson sent me this and I have to share it with you because it's a beaut summary of many of the methods I used to create my happiness baseline. 

This comes from a compilation of research by Neil Pasricha, author of "The Happiness Equation."

If you do any of these seven things for two straight weeks, you will feel happier.​​​​​​​

Three Walks + The 20-Minute Replay + Random Acts of Kindness + A Complete Unplug + Hit Flow + 2-Minute Meditations + Five Gratitudes

Let’s take a super quick look at our Big 7 ways to boost our happiness and remember that science says the Happiness Equation STARTS with happiness.

It’s Happiness —> Great work —> Success NOT Great Work —> Success —> Happiness.

1. Three Walks. Exercise is as effective as Zoloft in reducing depression. Even just three brisk walks can do the trick! Remember that *not* exercising is like taking a depressant and get out there and MOVE YOUR BODY.
​​​​​​​
2. The 20-Minute Replay. Writing for 20 minutes about a positive experience is a GREAT way to boost your happiness. Scientists call it savoring. Groove the good stuff!

3. Random Acts of Kindness. Did you know that THE fastest, most reliable way to boost your mood is to do something nice for someone else? Yep. Find ways to do something nice!
 
4. A Complete Unplug. We’ve gotta make waves. Fully on. Fully off. Repeat. Are you training your RECOVERY as much as your “on” phases? Remember that it’s not that we work too hard but that we don’t recover enough. 
 
5. Hit Flow. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi tells us that the optimal state of human experience is found when we are engaged in activities that stretch us such that the challenges match our skills. Too much challenge = anxiety. Too little = boredom. The right match? FLOW. Find it!
 
6. 2-Minute Meditations. Meditation is huge. I meditate every single day because it's changed my whole life. You don’t need to be a levitating monk in the Himalayas to experience significant benefits. Even just a couple minutes a day keeps the gremlins away.
 
7. Five Gratitudes. As Neil says, “If you can be happy with the simple things, then it will be simple to be happy.” Find things to be grateful for and focus on them often. What are YOU grateful for today?

Thanks Brian. That's awesome!​​​​

I'm loving the 20 minute replay. It's like mainlining joy !

​​​​​​​Which ones are you going to try today ?​​​​​​​

xox, Sonia

Aren’t those tips amazing? If you’d like more info on Sonia Sommer and what she offers, check out her website at www.soniasommer.com.

How a Morning Ritual Changed My Life

Last Saturday morning I looked at the clock and it was 8:15. I had already written my morning pages, stretched, walked the dog, made breakfast for my son, and fixed my coffee—and I felt good; I wasn’t sleepy or grumpy! This is nothing short of a miracle, let me tell you. At the age of 49, I am sort of becoming a morning person! At least, it’s not torture for me to be up and about before 9 a.m. anymore. I can’t explain what a big deal this is for me, and I’m proud of myself for creating this shift.

My whole life I’ve loved to sleep. When I was a baby my mother used to wake me up to play because she was bored. I regularly slept until noon when I could, up until my thirties! Once I had my son—who did NOT like to sleep—that all came to a screeching halt. I was so sleep-deprived those first few years, I felt like a completely different person. My sweet husband, who has never had trouble rising early, began to get up with our son when he would wake at 4 or 5 a.m. so I could sleep in—and I basically spent the next ten years trying to fill that sleep deficit. I jealously guarded my sleep like a thief hoards his jewels.

But about a year ago, I began to notice that I felt irritable in the morning way too often—as if I’d woken up late and was running to catch up. I also felt tired every day, even when I got nine or ten hours of sleep. I researched possible causes for this in my usual way—reading lots of books and doing endless internet searches. I discovered that my nightly glass of wine was probably keeping me from deep sleep, so I started skipping it—and what do you know? I woke up feeling significantly more rested and less irritable.

But many days I still felt sluggish. I emailed a coach I follow, Sonia Sommer, to ask her advice, and she recommended that I phase out all the vitamins I was taking. I had quite an array—ironically, most of them chosen to give me more energy—and she told me that as we get older, it becomes harder for our bodies to process supplements; we can actually overtax our liver. So I took a break from them and also started drinking dandelion tea, which supports liver function. She also recommended going outside and getting sun first thing in the morning to re-set my biological clock each day, so I began doing that. I added more exercise and committed to being in bed by 10 each night.

Finally, I took a hard look at my mornings. I realized I was hitting snooze until I absolutely had to get up, then jumping out of bed with that adrenalized feeling of being late. I would stumble out to the kitchen, feeling groggy, and race around doing morning chores while I gulped my coffee. It was an awful way to start the day—no wonder I didn’t want to get up! No wonder I was grumpy! I decided to stop hitting the snooze. Rather, I would open my eyes and lie in bed for a moment, stretching and breathing deeply—and consciously NOT thinking about my to-do list. Doing that really made a difference in how I felt.

I started taking my coffee outside, drinking it slowly while I sat with my feet in the pool. I would watch the clouds or the water rippling and listen to the birds and the breeze through the leaves. Again, I wasn’t thinking about what I had to accomplish, just letting my mind rest. 

As I did this for a few weeks, I began to feel much more in control and relaxed in the mornings, and that feeling would last through the day. I started noticing that I would wake up around 7 or 7:30, then make myself go back to sleep if it wasn’t officially time to get up yet. I decided to try getting up whenever I first woke up, just to see how I felt. I was amazed to find that I wasn’t tired at all; as long as I was asleep by 11, I would wake up naturally around 7 or so, and have plenty of energy all day.

I kept doing this, and got into a rhythm of getting up on my own, before my alarm clock. It gave me more time in the mornings, which I decided to spend on myself. I would stay in my bedroom and journal, or try to sit in silence, or do some stretches on the floor—and it made me so happy! I realized I was creating a sort of morning ritual that was helping put me in a positive frame of mind. I was more patient, calmer, and more centered.

In April I began a writing class led by Martha Beck and Elizabeth Gilbert; shortly after it started I was sitting outside with my coffee and I began wondering how they spent their mornings. I figured they must have some sort of amazing ritual, since they are living aligned with their dreams. I thought about other women I knew who were living like that, and wondered about their mornings. I realized it would make a fascinating book—and then I realized I could write it! I was both exhilarated and terrified, all in the same moment. I decided to go for it, because I wanted to share with other women how powerful a morning ritual can be. If I could help even one woman change her mornings for the better, as I had done, it would be worth it.

I committed to writing the book, and am about halfway through it now. I’ve interviewed over a dozen women—including Martha Beck!—and what I’ve learned has been fascinating. I can’t wait to share it with everyone. As it progresses, I’ll keep you updated!