Acceptance

As I’ve been riding the rollercoaster of the last few weeks, I’ve been searching for ways to feel better. I’ve cycled through all sorts of negative emotions—fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger—and I’ve realized that in order to get through this time in a somewhat manageable way, I need to release my resistance to what is happening and accept the way things are right now (hard though that might be!).

It reminded me of a poem I first encountered after dealing with another difficult time—the Category 4 hurricane that hit our city when I was 8 months pregnant and caused enormous destruction across the area, damaged our home, and forced us to evacuate for weeks afterward. My yoga teacher shared the poem with me then, and I share it with you now in case you might find it helpful, too.

The Guest House

--Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

A Calming Meditation

I feel like it’s important to do whatever we can to share resources with each other on how to feel better during these crazy times. Here’s a calming and grounding meditation that I do each morning, and have taught in my workshops. I adapted it from the meditation that Equus Coach Koelle Simpson described to me when I interviewed her about her morning ritual for my book A Beautiful Morning.

Sit tall, either crosslegged on the ground or in a chair with your feet resting on the ground. Close your eyes and rest your hands on your thighs or in your lap. Breathe deeply. Take a moment to feel your connection with the ground. Begin to picture the energy in the earth beneath you.  Breathe in deeply. Then breathe out completely.

Inhale and imagine the energy rising up through the ground and into the base of your spine or soles of your feet, then up your spine to the top of your head. Pause the breath and imagine it circling your head, creating awareness and self-compassion within you.

Then slowly exhale as you picture the energy flowing back down the front of your body and into the earth, taking any negative feelings or energy with it. Breathe out completely, then breathe in slowly and picture the energy rising again.

Continue the cycle at your own pace as long as you like. Up your spine as you breathe in … circling around your head as you pause the breath … and back down into the earth as you exhale.

If you like, you can give the energy a color—perhaps a lovely healing green, or a beautiful calming blue, or an energizing orange.  Imagine it swirling up into you from the earth. Let that energy fill you and surround you so that you are glowing with that color.  When you’ve completed your last exhale, open your eyes.

Self-Care for Stressful Times

I know the world seems filled with anxiety and fear right now; here is an article I recently wrote for Thrive Global on how we can take care of ourselves despite all the turmoil. You may also want to check out my previous posts  “The Big 7 Ways to Boost Happiness” and “17 More Mood Boosters.”

In times of stress, it’s more important than ever to take care of ourselves. If you’re feeling anxious or scared about the current coronavirus situation, it can be helpful to ramp up your self-care.  

Much of the time, we’re fearful about a situation because it’s out of our control. Taking steps to feel more in control can help us calm the fear and anxiety. For example, if you’re concerned about possibly getting sick, be proactive in supporting your health. As you know, handwashing is vital—at least 20 seconds. Get plenty of sleep, do some exercise, drink lots of water, eat fruits and vegetables, and perhaps take some immune-boosting supplements (Dr. Oz recently recommended vitamin D, vitamin C, zinc, and elderberry).

Then, do your best to reduce stress and comfort yourself. Here are some ideas:

·         Minimize your exposure to the news. Maybe instead of watching it on TV, you just check a news source you trust—and maybe you only do that once or twice a day.  Spend less time on social media.

·         Be mindful of your thoughts. If you find yourself worrying, turn your attention to something positive and uplifting instead. Think of it like switching the channel on your TV: hmmm., that thought doesn’t feel good; let’s find one that does.

·         Exercise. Go for a walk or run, or do some yoga or other exercise that you enjoy. Movement helps your body process stress hormones, and it boosts endorphins, which will make you feel better.

·         Breathe slowly and deeply. This calms your nervous system by triggering the relaxation response. An easy breathing practice to try is “box” or “square” breathing. To do it, imagine a square. You’re going to breathe around the square: inhale through your nose for four counts, pause the breath for four counts, exhale for four counts, and pause the breath for four counts. Do that at least three times.

·         Meditate. Meditation is a proven anxiety-reducer. If you find it difficult, try a guided meditation. There are some great apps that can help, like Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace.

·         Soothe your body. Soak in a warm bath with Epsom salts to release tension. Consider getting a massage or acupuncture; not only can this help you relax, it also stimulates your immune system. 

·         Spend time outside. Studies have shown that nature calms us and makes us happier. Find a grassy or tree-filled spot and walk through it slowly or sit in silence.  Also, exposure to sunshine triggers the production of vitamin D, as well as serotonin, which boosts your mood. (The increase in serotonin happens when sunlight enters your eyes, so don’t wear sunglasses; but obviously, avoid looking directly at the sun).

·         Do what makes you feel good. Do you love to read, or paint, or dance? Are there certain kinds of music that lift your spirits? Does baking always relax you? Make a list of things that make you happy or bring you comfort, and scatter them throughout your day.

·         Journal. Journaling has been shown to be effective at managing stress. Writing down your thoughts is like clearing clutter from your room; it gets rid of all the junk and leaves behind clarity and space. And when you put worries in writing, you can more easily evaluate them and come up with coping strategies. Try doing a stream-of-consciousness brain dump every day. 

·         Laugh! Laughter reduces anxiety, boosts your immune system, and stimulates the release of endorphins. It’s so powerful, people do laughter therapy and laughter yoga! Watch a funny video online, or a TV show or movie if you have more time. Some classic comedies are “The Inlaws,” “Airplane,” “Young Frankenstein,” “His Girl Friday,” “Best in Show,” “Some Like It Hot,” “The Producers,” “Raising Arizona,” and “The Princess Bride.” TV shows that are sure to get you laughing are “I Love Lucy,” “Seinfeld,” and old episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus or The Carol Burnett Show. What are your favorites? Make a list one day when you’re in a good mood and keep it handy for emergency laughter infusion as needed.

·         Pet a dog or cat. Studies show that stroking, cuddling, or even gazing into the eyes of a pet leads to a rise in oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is the “love hormone” that is also released during hugs, sex, and breastfeeding. It reduces stress and anxiety levels while increasing feelings of relaxation, trust, and bonding.

·         Hug someone. Hugging increases both oxytocin and serotonin—as little as 20 seconds of hugging someone will elevate those levels enough for a significant positive impact.

Remember that, while you may not be able to control external events, you do have control over your internal world. Taking care of yourself every day will keep you calm and centered.

Show Yourself Some Love

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which encourages us to show our love for our romantic partner. Where is the holiday that encourages us to show our love for ourselves?

Truly, this is so important that we should be reminded every day, not just one day a year. We can’t fully love others if we don’t fully love ourselves. And yet we often treat ourselves terribly. Our needs are always last on the list. “Oh, I don’t have time to _______, I have to work/take care of my children/clean the house/go to the store/cook dinner/do laundry, etc. etc.”

However, as many of us have found out, if we focus solely on taking care of others and neglect ourselves for too long, it will eventually have a negative impact. We get sick, or are constantly tired or irritable (or are sick, tired, AND irritable). Often when this happens, our instinct is to push through, because we are needed. We’re not making it up—we do have tons of obligations and people who depend on us—bosses, coworkers, children, spouses, parents, friends. But our first obligation should be to ourselves. I know it sounds radical. But it’s true.

It’s important to note that we’re worthy of love, just as we are. We don’t have to be constantly productive to prove our worth. We are each born a beautiful soul, deserving of unconditional love. When we give ourselves that love—not demanding anything in return, not trying to “be better,” just appreciating ourselves as is—it makes a huge difference in our lives.

I’ll admit, showing myself unconditional love is something I struggle with daily. I’m a perfectionist and highly self-critical, and as I’ve discussed before, I have the urge to always be doing something to “earn my keep.” But running around like a hamster on a wheel all the time doesn’t feel good. No matter how hard I work, I never cross everything off the list (gah, how I hate that fact!). I never reach that mark of “enough.”

I always feel like I come up short when I tie my value to what I’m accomplishing. If I can wrap my head around the idea that I’m inherently worthy—that I was born enough, and don’t have anything to prove—that feels SO much better. I feel open rather than constricted. Relaxed instead of clenched. Happy instead of apprehensive.

There’s a common saying: When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. The converse is absolutely true: when I’m happy, I can spread that happiness. I’m more likely to be kind and patient with those I love—and even with strangers. So, when you tend to your own happiness, you’re really doing others a service.

What if we all devoted time every day just to showing ourselves some love? Paying attention to our needs and our wants; taking a moment to sit and listen to our inner voice, which often gets drowned out in the cacophony of modern life. I’m not talking about hours each day—just as much time as you can comfortably fit into your schedule. Maybe five minutes, sitting outside while you watch the clouds float by, or fifteen minutes of meditation or yoga or reading—whatever lights you up and makes you feel whole.

Today, take a moment to show yourself some love. Do something you enjoy, or give yourself a treat that that makes you feel amazing. Book that massage! Steal away and read that book! Savor the chocolate! Do it just because—because you are a miraculous, incredible, gorgeous soul who deserves all the love in the world. XXXOOO!

Scattering Moments of Joy

Happy New Year! After the rush of the holidays and then some recovery time, I’ve been working my way through my email inbox. I just read an end-of-the-year post by Ingrid Fetell Lee, author of Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness (which I’ve talked about here before), in which she discusses her annual planning process. She says she’s always enjoyed setting goals, but she realized she was forgetting something important: to plan for joy.

Lee explains, “Every year we sit down and plan how we’re going to be better people, more rigorous and diligent and considerate people. We write out the achievements we aspire to: the weight loss or the muscle strength, the pages written or published, the milestone markers we hope to see in the sideview mirror as we whizz past. In the process, we forget to plan for joy.

“It’s not that we shouldn’t plan for our big dreams and goals. These are the seeds of future joy, and well worth cultivating. But as we train our sights on these distant hopes, the small joys can easily get lost in the shuffle. …

“I think we forget to plan for joy because we think of joy as something that just happens, not as something that we make happen. In our minds, joy is spontaneous and effortless. Yet if we think about it, many of our most joyful moments — the picnic in the park or the family vacation, the birthday party or the nature hike — exist only because someone thought to plan for them.”

Yes! I realized that even though I make a practice of being a “joy detective,” I usually think of it as looking for joyful moments, rather than actively planning for them. In the post, Lee offers a free “Joylist Planner” PDF that you can download. It has categories to help you come up with different types of experiences to plan, like people to see, occasions to celebrate, and field trips/local adventures. I printed one out and am going to try planning for more joy this year. Here’s the link if you want to give it a try as well!

This reminds me of an idea in another email I recently got, from life coach Katherine North. She suggests that we plan multiple treats for ourselves in advance, scheduled throughout the year—anything from small delights like pedicures or massages to larger indulgences like vacations.

If we go ahead and put them in the calendar now, not only will we ensure that we’ll actually do them, but it also gives us things to look forward to. Research shows that anticipating something joyful can be almost as joy-inducing as the experience itself! (I think this is one of the reasons I enjoy planning trips so much.)

I love this idea, and am brainstorming some fun treats to schedule for myself. But we don’t have to wait for a vacation or other future event; we can also make time for joy every day.  Indulging in what we find pleasurable on a regular basis is a wonderful way to enhance our enjoyment of life.  We can scatter moments of joy throughout the day by indulging in simple pleasures, such as savoring a good piece of chocolate or connecting with an old friend.

In Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, Sarah Ban Breathnach calls these “Joyful Simplicities.” She says: “Joyful simplicities nourish body and soul by engaging our senses. They teach us how to live in the present moment. Life comes together when we seek out the Sublime in the ordinary. …There’s a lot of drudgery to most of our days … To keep our daily round from being all drudgery, we’ve got to savor the art of the small: discovering diminutive delights that bring us peace and pleasure.”

What’s your favorite treat? What little activities do you love? What makes you happy? You can create a “bliss list” of your favorites and then make a point of fitting in as many as possible each week. My bliss list includes sitting in the sun, listening to jazz, and reading.

You can also create “seasonal joy lists”—lists of activities you love to do each season that either can only be done then, or that heighten your enjoyment of the season (like drinking hot chocolate or sitting by the fire in the winter, or eating watermelon in the summer).

I encourage you to try one (or all!) of these ideas and start scattering moments of joy, both small and large, throughout your life! Let me know how it goes!

Do Less

We are officially in the season of stress. But it’s not just the holiday time that seems to encourage us to go, go, go and do, do, do. Our culture has increasingly emphasized being busy and productive—“owning the day” and “leaning in”—as the best way to be.

But it’s not. It most definitely is not. We are not meant to constantly be on. We need downtime. We need daydreaming. We need to do nothing—and we need large doses of that, regularly. But there is still a lot of shame about doing nothing. I know I continue to struggle with it, even as I read all the research that backs up its value.

At Lucky Star I was talking with a woman who had recently recovered from a life-threatening illness. She said she was trying to do less because she knew it was better for her health, but she still faced outside pressure. She had been asked by a group of other moms at her child’s school to take over a huge project. They actually said, “You finished treatment, right, so now you have time?”

What?? What the actual what?? Not only do we all need to ease up on pressuring ourselves to do more, we need to ease up on each other! Thankfully she was able to tell those women no, but she still felt guilty. And that is a shame. We should be able to say no to things that will endanger our health—physical or mental—and we should be able to do that without guilt or pushback from others.

Perhaps that is coming. There seems to be a lot more talk about self-care and taking time out and prioritizing rest than there used to be. Kate Northrup published a wonderful book earlier this year titled Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time and Energy Management for Busy Moms. In it, she says:

“The way we work in our culture is as though we’re in a perpetual harvest. But anyone who’s grown anything in the earth knows this is impossible. …When a seed is planted, it takes time, care, and resources before it sprouts and grows to its fullest expression. As humans, our creative process is no different, yet we’ve forgotten that we need time, care, and space to not only do our best work but also to show up as our best selves. When you continue to plant the same crop in a field over and over and over again without ever giving it a break, the crops suffer as the soil degrades; eventually there is no harvest. … When we ask ourselves to work and produce and create and birth with no fallow time, we burn out. We become ill.”

Northrup discusses research that refutes the pressure to be productive all the time, and shows that we are actually more productive when we take breaks. She also gives all sorts of tools and exercises we can use to honor our body’s natural cycles of energy, learn how to ask for (and receive!) help, and accomplish more with less effort.

The book is an extremely helpful resource, and has sparked a “Do Less” movement. I’ve noticed others encouraging this type of behavior on social media, like Karen Brody of Daring to Rest (she has a podcast, website, and book as well). I hope that will continue to grow until it becomes mainstream and we are all able to relax without guilt!

Regardless, I urge you to take care of yourself by doing less wherever you can. Say no to things that will drain or stress you. I love the saying “No is a complete sentence.” But I have yet to be able to just say no! I always feel like I have to give a reason—and that the reason has to be justifiable. I’m doing my best to get over that. “No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible” or “That’s not going to work for me” are all we need to say.

The holidays are an excellent time to start practicing, as we tend to accumulate responsibilities and activities over the years that weigh us down. So this holiday season, and as you begin the new year, see where you can do less. If all the holiday traditions bring you joy, by all means dive in.

But if any of them feel like a burden, see if you can make them less stressful or let them go. Use the old Better, Barter, or Bag It method—can you make it better somehow, maybe by revising it so it’s not such a hassle? Or can you get someone else to do it? Or can you just bag it completely? (Lol, does anyone say “bag it” anymore? I feel like I might be dating myself with that terminology.)

Anyway, you get the idea. Don’t buy into the societal pressure that says we have to do it all, and do it perfectly. Ease up on yourself and give yourself the gift of doing less wherever you can. (Truly a gift that keeps on giving.)

The blog will be on holiday hiatus as I take my own advice and move a few things off of my “to do” list temporarily. I will talk to y’all in 2020! (Can you believe it will be a new decade??) I hope you have a wonderful, easy, fun, happy holiday season!

The Restorative Power of Retreats Part II

I just came back from my third time at Lucky Star Art Camp. I am filled to the brim with joy and gratitude for this incredible experience. Just as I describe in my older piece (below), once again I reflected on how much I’ve changed since the last time I was there, in 2017. I wasn’t able to attend last year, so I had two years to grow in between.

And I guess I really must have grown, because this year I was an instructor as well as an attendee! I taught a class on how to create a restorative daily ritual and scatter moments of joy throughout the day. Four years ago, on my first visit, it was all I could do to muster up the courage to go alone, not knowing anyone else. I could never have imagined that I’d be brave enough to actually teach a class—or, that I would have anything helpful to offer other campers. But the classes went wonderfully, and not only did I share helpful information, I also received it.

One of the best aspects of Lucky Star is the constant exchange between everyone—we all have something to offer, and the women come with open hearts, willing to give what they can. Connection comes easily and authentically, and I really enjoyed not only meeting new friends, but also deepening my relationships with women I’d met in previous years.  It is enormously soul-filling to have the time to sit and talk, in a beautiful place where everyone is there to be open and to learn and to grow and to have fun. (More about this in the post below!)

This year, I learned about alcohol inks, acrylic paint pouring, Zen embroidery, and abstract painting. And as I re-read my post from 2017, I realized that this time I didn’t even have to try to let go of expectations—I was able to come to each class with “beginner’s mind” and not stress about how I would do. I just enjoyed learning the process and then playing with it. I’ve come home with a few pieces I love, a bunch of stuff that’s just OK, some skills I can use going forward, and—most importantly—a really happy heart.

It’s funny—before I went I again wondered if perhaps I was exaggerating the magical nature of this camp in my head.  But no, I was not. It truly was as magical, if not more so, as I remembered. If the idea of something like this appeals to you at all, I highly encourage you to check it out for next year! It will be November 4-11 (you can get on the mailing list here). I know it’s hard to manage multiple days away—so many of us talked about how much work we had to do before the trip, and quite a few said they almost backed out at the last minute. But oh MAN is it worth the effort!

The Restorative Power of Retreats (Nov. 2017)

What a difference a year makes! I recently returned from Lucky Star Art Camp, and while I was there I reflected on how much I’ve changed since I first attended in November, 2016. I have stretched myself way beyond my comfort zone, beginning with going to Lucky Star last year completely alone and not knowing a soul in advance. I was scared, but proud of myself for doing it anyway. I also had been feeling a deep yearning to be creative, but had no idea how and zero confidence in my ability. And, I felt silly, selfish, and irresponsible to be spending time and money on something that was not “productive” or “purposeful.”

Then I took my first class, began to loosen up, and gradually learned to let go and enjoy the process for what it was giving me rather than focusing on what I created. I also discovered how friendly, open, and supportive everyone was, and how delightful it feels to be surrounded by kindred spirits united in a common goal of creating and connecting.

This year, I felt way more comfortable from the beginning, and I was much more relaxed in my approach to the classes. (At least I had gotten better at stemming the rising tide of performance anxiety and ignoring that critical voice in my head.) I’ve been channeling my creativity into my book project over the last six months, but had been missing the hands-on fun of making art. It felt so blissful to dive in to each of my classes and be fully present in the moment.

I made beaded necklaces, learned watercolor and whimsical lettering techniques, and played around with acrylic paint while sitting by the river. I did acquire some skills, but I also practiced letting go of my expectations, which was way more valuable.  I was even able to display some of my creations during “show and tell” the last evening of camp. They weren’t perfect or professional, but I was still proud—and putting my imperfect art out for all to see was quite an accomplishment for me.

What makes Lucky Star so special? Certainly the people are a huge factor—from creator Lisa Hamlyn Field and the team of family and friends helping her, whose enthusiasm and energy are contagious, to the gracious and generous staff of Camp Waldemar, to the inspiring creative souls who teach the classes, to the fun and supportive women who attend—everyone contributes to making the experience unforgettable. Sitting around the campfire at night, telling jokes, sharing, and singing along as the resident singer/songwriter Mandy Rowden plays her guitar—you feel like part of a vibrant sisterhood. That sort of connection with other women can be lacking in our hectic lives, and it’s so vital.

Also, the setting is spectacular. Waldemar is a restorative, spiritual spot. You feel it the minute you turn into the drive: the peace, the beauty, the history, the magic. On the last afternoon I lay for hours next to the river, listening to the waterfall downstream and watching the breeze blow through the cypress trees. Horses came down to drink and splash around. Small groups of women were gathered at different spots, talking and making art. It was a powerful tonic. I am so envious of the girls who get to spend months there in the summer.

And then there’s the food! I’ve never had such nourishing, delicious meals in all my life. The staff prepares everything with tons of love, and it shows. They make every dish so tasty and appealing, I find myself eating way more than I usually do at home! But as another camper noted, mysteriously, we don’t gain weight while we’re there. Despite eating three large meals a day for nearly four days (and dessert! at lunch AND dinner!), I’m not any heavier when I come home. We theorized that it’s because the food is prepared both healthily and lovingly, and that our creative exertions burn a lot more calories than you’d imagine!

I had thought that perhaps I’d built up last year’s experience in my mind, making it seem much more wonderful than it really was—but no, it was just as incredible as I’d remembered. I’m so glad I went back and immersed myself in that magic once again. I feel creatively recharged and personally restored.

I remember now that retreats like this do have a purpose—they renew our spirits so that we can return to our lives with fresh energy and enthusiasm. It’s not irresponsible or silly. It may be selfish, but in the best sort of way—taking care of oneself is necessary for a good life. I talked with one camper who said her husband was so struck by how happy she was after coming home from camp her first year that he insisted she go every year. It makes a real difference in the quality of our lives—and our loved ones’ lives—when we are happy, and activities like this fill us up. I can’t wait for next year!

A Gratitude Experiment

I’ve talked about master healer Sonia Sommer’s “Wellness Wednesday” newsletters in previous posts, and shared some wonderful ideas. Here’s one from a recent email about the power of being grateful, which I found really helpful. As I’ve written about before, gratitude is incredibly beneficial, and I’m always looking for ways to help myself remember to practice it.

 The Gratitude Experiment

By Sonia Sommer

 Stop trying to control everything outside yourself.

 You cannot.

 All your power lies within.

 Your perspective changes your life.

 Therefore, begin every day in deep gratitude for everything exactly as it is.

 Gratitude is not a passive response to life.

 Gratitude is an elevated state of being that changes your entire world.

 But don't take my word for it.

 Do an experiment: commit to 30 days of unconditional gratitude and see what happens.

You probably know this already. 

 But knowing and doing are two completely different things.

 It's what we do consistently, every single day, that creates our life.

 If you want to truly experience the magic of life, make a commitment now.

This topic came up today because I am seeing so many clients trying desperately to control things. Placing all kinds of conditions on life in order to feel ok. It is futile and a waste of your precious energy. Life is much easier than that.

If this applies to you, do the gratitude experiment.

If it doesn't apply to you, do the gratitude experiment. You're probably already doing it, in which case we thank you for lifting us up with you.

Experiment tips:

• Immediately upon waking, place your hand on your heart and say "Good morning soul. I love you my soul." Be thankful that you are alive, you have a body. Think of 5 things for which you are grateful and feel that state arise within.

• After you get up, meditate until you are in love with your life and feel a deep sense of gratitude. It may take an hour. It may take 10 minutes. 

• Go to your journal and write down your gratitudes. Write at least 5. Two of them should be difficult things in your life for which you must find gratitude. What is the lesson, what could be the gift in the challenge that you don't yet understand? 

• Throughout your day, stop and cultivate gratitude and a sense of awe.

Watch this amazing video for some inspiration.

If you try this gratitude experiment, let me know how it goes!

Less Worry, More Wonder

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

— Corrie ten Boom

A long time ago I had the thought: what would my life look like if I didn’t worry at all? How amazing would that be? I thought about how free I would feel, how easy, how peaceful. I wanted to write a blog post about it, to try to inspire myself and others to do our best to live that way, without worrying…and then of course, life got busy. It was like my head, which had peeked above the clouds for a second and glimpsed another way, sank back down into the murk of my usual stress level, and it just felt hypocritical to write about worrying less when I was actually worrying every day. So I tabled the idea and continued on.

Then one morning last week, I was feeling OK. Despite it being a busy few weeks, everything on the near horizon was under control. And yet, I realized, my mind was actively scanning the future for possible problems and I was beginning to feel stressed. I got PISSED. Here I was feeling fine, with no real reason to be anxious, and yet my mind was trying to find one??

As I considered this, I realized that I do it all the time. It occurred to me that some part of me must think it’s my job to worry constantly. It seems to be my default setting, even after all these years of trying to be more peaceful and positive-minded.

Here’s what happens: I’m always thinking ahead to make sure that I’m prepared for whatever is coming up. I make notes and write stuff on my calendar and figure out what I need to do when, etc. That is fine and actually necessary to make sure our lives run smoothly. And if I stopped there, it would just be a positive, helpful behavior.

But I don’t. Once I’ve made sure that everything in the immediate future is considered and planned for, instead of relaxing and focusing on the present, I keep going. I look further and further ahead to responsibilities down the road, and to potential conflicts and possible problems.

And then, when I think about all of that on top of what is currently going on, I feel overwhelmed and anxious—especially since most of what I’m worrying over is either something I can’t do anything about right now or something that might not even happen. I get either extremely jittery or super tired—but either way I want to run away! Which is not exactly helpful or conducive to managing my current responsibilities, and it feels awful.

So after I got some clarity on this pattern the other morning, I sat down to think about why it might be so. Why would I feel like my job is to constantly think ahead and worry about the future? And why does it feel like if I don’t do this, something terrible will happen? Like I’m shirking my duty?

I thought about my son, who just started high school, and how we’re teaching him to plan ahead so that he gets all his schoolwork done on time. It’s not something that comes naturally to him, and I remembered that it didn’t come naturally to me either when I was his age. In fact, I remembered, I would actually get in trouble for not planning ahead or not thinking about the consequences of my actions, and would often get punished. Boom! Lightbulb moment! When I was younger, if I didn’t think ahead, something terrible WOULD happen! I would get punished! I got the message that I had to always be thinking ahead—and so like any good and obedient girl, that is what I do. Wow.

Once I realized that, I realized I had the power to start retraining myself, and that “less worry, more wonder” might actually be possible for me. I first saw that phrase about five years ago on life coach Carla Robertson’s website and it really appealed to me.  It has been part of my mission on this “joy detective” journey—to feel more open to wonder, and less constrained by worry. Now I think I might have made a breakthrough in how to do that.

Of course I still need to plan ahead, and will always do that—you can’t be a successful adult without that ability. But the key is in stopping myself from going further. Once I am sure that I have thought through what’s important for now, I can rest. It is no longer my job to constantly scan the horizon for potential problems. There is a LOT of trust involved in this, and it’s something I’m going to have to practice over and over. But so far here is what I do:

 I realize I’m worrying about something unnecessarily.  (That’s actually a big first step, to become aware of what I’m doing.) Then I tell my mind that it’s not my job to think about that right now, and that in fact, worrying about the future is harmful to me in the present.

I make a conscious decision to let the worry go, and trust that it will be OK. I’ve even got a mantra to repeat: “I don’t know how it’s going to work out, but I trust that it will all work out for the best.” Some people recommend writing down whatever you are worrying about, putting it in a special box or jar, and giving it over to God or the Universe or whatever higher power you believe in. I’ve done this before with big issues that I had no control over, and it really does help.

Anxiety and fear are so draining. If I can relax about the future, and trust that everything will in fact work out (without my needing to obsess over it constantly), it will free up so much energy! And it will give me an expansive feeling of peace and ease, which is much more conducive to everyday happiness.

So that’s my goal: to go through this process whenever I find myself worrying, and return my thoughts to the present. My hope is that the process will get easier over time, and I will in fact have less worry, which will make room for more wonder. I’ll let you know how it goes! And if you have any tips for worrying less, I’d love to hear them!

The Aesthetics of Joy

I recently finished reading Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee—wow! I highly recommend it if you haven’t read it.

Lee delves into the science behind why certain things bring us joy (in a very easy-to-follow way). She identifies ten “aesthetics of joy” that “reveal a distinct connection between the feeling of joy and the tangible qualities of the world around us:

Energy: vibrant color and light

Abundance: lushness, multiplicity, and variety

Freedom: nature, wildness, and open space

Harmony: balance, symmetry, and flow

Play: circles, spheres, and bubbly forms

Surprise: contrast and whimsy

Transcendence: elevation and lightness

Magic: invisible forces and illusions

Celebration: synchrony, sparkle, and bursting shapes

Renewal: blossoming, expansion, and curves”

It’s truly fascinating to learn why things like bright colors, fireworks, bubbles, and confetti can make us happy—and how we can use this information to find more joy in our daily lives. As she says, “You have a whole world of joy right at your fingertips. There’s no method you need to learn, no discipline you need to impose on yourself. The only requirement is what you already have: an openness to discovering the joy that surrounds you.”

After reading the book I checked out her blog The Aesthetics of Joy, which will give you an instant happiness boost from all the beautiful visuals, not to mention the interesting info. I signed up for her email “joyletters,” the most recent of which talks about cultivating a sense of renewal. In it she has some great ideas that I wanted to share with you.

She says, “We are a novelty-obsessed culture, but to me renewal is much more interesting. It doesn't venerate youth and perfection, but embraces the fullness of the experiences we've already lived. It doesn't try to pretend that we can fight the arc of time, but takes advantage of the eddies and whorls in its flow. We don't have to be perfect to be renewed. We just have to begin.

If you're looking to cultivate a greater sense of renewal in your life, here are some ways to start.

Fix something that's been broken a long time. Broken things create a stagnant energy. They are effectively stuck in time. Getting something fixed not only removes the nagging item from your to do list, but also makes a home feel fresh and new again.

Make space. It's hard to feel a sense of renewal when we're weighed down by old obligations and ideas. Clear out your desk, closet, or to be read pile. Make space in your inbox and your calendar. Say no to commitments that are getting in the way of your growth. Allow that space to be empty so something you love can fill it.

Give yourself a makeover. Whenever I'm feeling rundown or lackluster, I paint my nails. It might sound silly, but when my appearance is shabby, it's usually a sign that I've been caring for my mind (or not caring for it) in the same way. A small, external sign of transformation reminds me that change is possible.

Buy yourself flowers. Flowers are one of the most powerful reminders of renewal. One theory holds that we love flowers because flowers indicate the places where fruit would soon be. Those of our ancestors who were attentive to flowers were more likely to notice their location and be able to reach the fruits before they were eaten by other hungry animals.

Move things around. We tend to treat our homes as fixed, but many objects within them are easily moved. Try switching a few pieces of art around, or change the arrangement of your furniture. Seeing the same object from a new perspective is an easy way to make it feel new again.

Reconnect with the Earth's clock. Human time, defined by feeds and messages and new innovations, seems to be constantly accelerating. But the Earth's clock moves in age-old rhythms that far pre-date us. Spending time in nature recalibrates our sense of time and tunes us into the subtle gradients of change that often fade into the background.

Make a seasonal joy list. Too often, a new season comes and goes in a blip, before I get to do any of the things I'm most excited about. But these limited-time-only joys can help us cultivate this sense of renewal. To fight this, make a "joy list" of things you want to this season, whether it's carve a pumpkin, catch a movie on its opening weekend, or do some momijigari (Japanese for leaf-peeping!).

 Plan something to look forward to. Research shows that anticipating something joyful can be almost as joy-inducing as the experience itself. Putting something on your calendar to look forward replicates the joy you find in looking forward to a favorite season or holiday, but is something you can do at any time.

 Forgive someone (or yourself). Letting go of old grievances is a powerful way to make space for renewal. A relationship in the wake of hurt can feel tentative and uncertain, but it also is a space of renewed understanding. And the same is true for your relationship with yourself. If there's something you've been holding onto, imagine what it might be like to forgive yourself and move on.”

I actually made my first seasonal joy list last May—I realized that summer goes by quickly, and I often don’t make time to do things that I love. It definitely helped me enjoy the season more. If it will ever get cool and start feeling like fall here, I will make a fall list as well!

I hope you found some good ideas in this post. Let me know if you try any of them, or if you read (or already have read) Joyful, and what you think!